10 Pieces of Advice for Nurturing Self-Connection During Grieving Relationship Loss
How can we strengthen our relationship with ourselves when togetherness is no longer an option? Being on your own while grieving a relationship loss can be quite unsettling and challenging. But it brings up the opportunity to observe our thoughts and strengthen the relationship with oneself.
Life has its fluctuations like our mood and emotions towards it. But it's our attitude that defines the richness and the learnings. If we see that there is an opportunity for growth, and we are able to trust in the unknown purpose behind the events from our life, we can also reduce or let go of the suffering.
I will write from the experience, which has led me to reflect on this. I recently had an experience that revived my abandonment trauma, even when I thought that it was no longer there. When this happened, the only thing I could do was try to deal with my trauma response in what I thought was the best way, trying to overcome the need to freeze or flight. It was at the start of my Yoga Teacher Training and I could not even put myself together to show up for the opening ceremony because of the rising anxiety. When I managed to walk myself to the school I could only watch the ceremony happening from afar.
Fortunately, one of the teachers saw me and approached me with a big smile. He wrapped his arm around me and dragged me to the circle. To me, being among others felt better than being on my own, and the talk from the Swami was even giving me hints of some response of what I was going through.
The teacher training started. Apart from Ashtanga yoga, sequencing, yoga philosophy and pranayama, the training gave me an opportunity to dive deep into my heart and touch that wound I have been constantly running away from throughout my life. I will not minimize the fact that I was completely heartbroken. I would do every practice while crying, because I could not do it otherwise. To close the eyes and look inwards, like Yoga draws us to do, requires courage as well.
Here are the learnings and insights I got during this process, that I would like to share with you specially if you are going through a relationship loss or simply your triggers are being pulled.
As an introduction I'd like to share the view that when we are heartbroken, sad or feeling lonely, it is important to watch the quality of our thoughts, since suffering comes from the mind. I propose you do this following exercise; think about how much of a difference it would make, if our thoughts would have a smell. When others would be affected by it, would you keep that same state of mind, or would you put special effort on changing it? But then why is it that we care more about how others would perceive it, and not about ourselves, who are the ones suffering? In the end, we are the ones who can understand us better than anybody else, who experience reincarnating in our bodies, who are carrying the memories, the joy and pain of a lifetime. Therefore, the body and the mind should be spaces we want to inhabit, just like when we move into a new home or room; we need to keep it tidy in order for us to actually want to spend time there. We might even think about changing the color of the walls, or putting flowers or a beautiful poster to feel more comfortable. Similarly with the mind and body, it requires a certain treat and hygiene and maintenance.
Concretely, here are some of the practical things I've done to make it through my days while I was having a rough time from separation.
I asked for help. It has helped me to contact my tarot consultant for a reading, to contact my therapist, to speak with my mother. I even let the teachers of my yoga teacher know that I was going through a rough time. And even when I was feeling shut down and did not want to spend time with my peers, sharing my story with them made me understand that I am not alone and made me feel supported.
I cried a lot – really, a lot. To the point I had to google up if it is healthy to cry that much. Apparently there are no side effects and is nothing but a good way to release stress and anxiety. So if there is the urge to cry, go ahead and do it.
I kept reminding myself of my personal aspirations. Even while allowing myself to sit in silence and grieve, I made sure to keep my personal goals in mind. And if a main goal feels unclear, it is helpful to set an intention for the day. For example it can be to be more present in your body, to enjoy the little things or to improve the self-talking. You can journal this intention down in the morning and keep reminding yourself of it during the day. If you have a long term aspiration or work to get done ( example in your asana practice, working on your website, saving money for a trip, preparing to run a marathon) try to stay tuned to it. Don't stop the flow of life and keep on taking those steps, as small as they can seem, that bring you into your center and into a better vision you have of yourself.
Remember your self-value. Reflect on the challenges you had to overcome throughout your life, situations that made you feel unsettled and you thought you could not get over, and how you grew stronger from it and even led you into something more meaningful. For me, seeing myself with love and compassion and acknowledging my good heart and intentions became crucial through the process.
Stay humble and don't judge others. I recognized that my suffering was coming from the strong emotions of my mind - grief, anger, sadness, resentment. Several self-defense mechanisms activated because I felt harmed and endangered and I was constantly reacting to these thoughts and emotions. But Yoga and meditation became a crucial tool to connect to a deeper wisdom in my heart called compassion. I noticed that being angry at the second party did not bring me anything else than more suffering. To look at others from above or with resentment might feed the ego for a little time and make you feel “better” for a few minutes, but it is a matter of time for the sadness and suffering to raise up again. Understand it was you relating to them in the first place. For example, toxic relationships need a minimum of two people to be. Even in those abusive relationships, whether we choose them or not, we need to take ownership of your enrollment. Compassion meant to me to understand that the person who hurted me was suffering and was trying to let go of their suffering by acting in the way they did. Therefore and while being in the human experience, it is liberating to wish the best to others.
Another thing that served me as a self -aid kit was to bring into play the antagonist emotion of what I was experiencing before reflecting on the situation. For example; If you are experiencing anger- bring forgiveness. If you experience jealousy, bring rejoy. If you experience greed, bring up generosity. This goes beyond toxic and fake positivity, the reality is that negative thinking is like an injection of toxin for your soul and body , and those thoughts and feelings must eventually be purified as a matter of actually caring for your health and integrity.
I understood that everything that happened in my life had a role and responded to a bigger picture that I can't always grasp. Even when it feels like we are just repeating. There is no shame in that, when the lesson needs to be watched in more detail. Sometimes it is the only thing we know, and that's why we fall back into it. For example, and coming back to the senses, we might be walking down the road with a friend who starts noticing an unpleasant smell. However, we, who are next to them, sense it like a smell from our childhood, and we feel attracted to it. We would not notice anything is wrong with it, but we soon reach a big pile of garbage and waste materials. Encounters that can feel strongly disappointing and painful, but how could we tell? Perhaps next time when we encounter those smells and feelings, we can be a bit more critical towards them and raise the right inquiry. But while we detour out of there, staying grateful for that encounter showed us that there are other possible ways can speed up our healing and learning process and help us be ready for a new, different experience that will be different and might bloom into something beautiful.
Every day we might encounter people and practices that can potentially be good for us, but if we are not ready for them, we won’t see the opportunity and we will keep on choosing the old, wounded path.
Do what brings you joy. This might mean to maintain a physical, mental and/or spiritual practice, or start searching for one. Take the right time to explore, for instance if you practice yoga, does moving slowly help you feel rooted and embodied at that time, or you are in need for more of a dynamic movement that makes you release toxins? When it is not yoga it can be painting, writing, having deep talks with a friend or long walks. Stay active and on the search, don’t give up on yourself!
Try to see the bigger picture, connecting to what's bigger than yourself.
There might be teachers that can guide you, books or cosmovisions or practices that can support you on that search to connect to what's beyond yourself and the state of suffering you are experiencing.
Be ready to move forward when it is time for you to do that. When is it time to fully let go on the subject? Which steps can you take to move on that does not include escapism though substances, party, unnecessary traveling? Moving forward with your life after having the time to process, digest and learn from the experience. Too much attachment to the pain and the narrative we make towards it won’t be helpful here. Is important to allow the full range of emotions to be there, yes. But at a point, we also need to let go of them.