Transformative Travels: Rediscovering My Feminine Side
My trip to India brought many surprises. But the one I noticed first, almost as soon as I stepped foot in the country, was a deep reconnection to my sense of femininity. Through the two and a half months I spent there, I felt almost like I was embracing and making friends with the woman in me who had been marginalized throughout her life. I felt I could finally, endlessly, see myself as the woman I am. What did that mean to me? It meant being a vulnerable yet strong individual. It meant understanding that inviting others into my space required courage as well. It also meant being happy wearing long dresses, bracelets, and rings, happy to gain a bit of weight, not needing to be lean all the time, happy to fall in love, and able to let others support me.
My sensations and self-perception changed as I reached Nepal, and even more when I came back to Berlin. Falling back into survival mode, I remember thinking, "Wow, it is truly impossible to be a woman here," and a lot of things fell into place after that realization.
I have always been a rather binary person, and falling into this binary perspective, I had perceived myself as a rather masculine being for many years. I was unable to see myself fully as a woman; I felt I needed to push through life and show myself as strong all the time. I felt I needed to be assertive in my relationships and desires, I felt that showing vulnerability or opening up to people would mean losing, and paradoxically, despite all that over-strength, deep down, I felt so breakable that I needed to always avoid exposure. I felt there was no time to feel, just time to do. I needed to rush through the city, believing that relationships were better when there were no strings attached. I would never stop, not even when my body asked me to, nor would I let anyone come too close or affect me.
This feeling changed when I went to India on a solo trip. On the first day in Rishikesh, I was amused and terrified. I remember crying in front of the Ganges the first time I saw her, and I felt like I was completely surrendering inside. People approached me, and I was open to meeting them. For those three months, my face glowed like a newborn, and I experienced real happiness. I felt completely different inside, and I noticed I was feeling very feminine!
But even then, I noticed—being a woman—what a problem that seems to be! It is not defined by our biology, it is not defined by our chemistry; it seems to be undefined, and still, it is the public space for humanity, a territory where everyone is allowed to comment, but when it is your turn to reflect on it, you must walk on the eggshells of everybody else's opinions. What a terrible invasion we are constantly suffering from the male world! We are defined by opposition, and by opposition, men became a threat! Within this polarized world, we must stick to the script of what we are allowed to say. Is it politically incorrect, or even stupid, to say that wearing a long, pink, blowing-in-the-wind dress has connected me to my femininity? Is it incorrect to say that not seeing men as enemies any longer has connected me to my femininity? We need to be open and inclusive, yet protective. If you are not a man, you are on our side. But it is time to include men as well as our brothers, friends, fathers, and partners. It is time to start talking heart to heart and to let our hearts bloom with responses that are not reactions, that are not coming from any preconceived dialogue or agenda. I must say—and people who know me well know—I have always been rather fluid in my gender expression. However, regardless of that and how my sensations might change tomorrow, I feel very happy to finally know that I am a woman, and that as a woman, it is completely normal not to fit into a world made by and for men. And to this world, being feminine as f*** has become my way of resistance.